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Flushing Away Free Time

I always wonder what the Kool Kats do when they go home from work. I like to imagine that everyone is immersed in a challenging home improvement task, slaving away at complicated recipes, penning the next Harry Potter, attending humanitarian club meetings or catching up with a handful of close companions. But I am willing to guess there’s a lot more couch glorifying and TV trance-partaking than any world-changing events happening behind those double French doors.

There’s also the choice between keeping yourself up-to-date on the best seasonal television shows and other buzz-worthy programs or crafting purses out of vintage fabric for a few extra dimes. It’s “lazy versus productive” pitched against “current versus out-of-the-loop”. Where’s the balance?

Being a mom brings with it a vault-full of extra guilt. If I’m not spending my free time building block towers for my 1-1/2-year-old to destroy, I always feel a little remorse (except during naptime). If I thought I never had any time B.C. (Before Child), I was out of my mind! Now, I really don’t have any time. Or do I?

I struggle with getting any writing, crafting, or other projects to show for my time accomplished without curious digits yanking pens out of my hand or demanding my full attention. Cleaning is feasible with Peanut around, but only to a point. Don’t get me wrong, I love engaging Peanut in wrestling, building and hiding games. But I also spend a lot of time thinking about what I could be doing with my free time. Even during Peanut’s naptime, I struggle with the what to do, what to do… When noontime on a Saturday rolls around, I often just want to crash and then I suffer the guilt afterwards of all the life-changing challenges I could’ve taken on during those blessed three hours.

The trouble is, I lose interest in projects. I start writing projects and abandon them. I print off art projects and never so much as buy the supplies. I dream about decadent gourmet dinners but lose interest in bringing them to fruition. But I feel like I need these projects to unleash my creative energy upon.

It makes me wonder if anyone else with these strong impulses to be productive actually do produce anything or if they succumb to numbness once in awhile. It’s much easier to relax into a simple lifestyle and suppress those urges than to twist wire into museum-worthy sculpture. Will the Kool Kats emerge from their basements with an amazing invention one day or do they just shop and get their hair done to rectify their status?

Strong Internal Desires

Have you ever had that feeling like you were meant to do something profound? Like trolling along through your day-to-day life wasn’t nearly enough? Like you were missing something you were supposed to be doing? I’ve been having one of those days…months…years really. I feel this strong internal urging to do something amazing, but am at a loss as to what that something might be. As silly as this might sound to some, I feel like with being on “this side” of 30, that prime time to shine is running out.

I don’t necessarily desire celebrity or barrels of money. I am not being lured by selfish desires. It’s not so much about status as it is about making some sort of impact for the benefit of others. I can’t turn this switch off, nor do I want to. I’m just trying to figure out where this internal drive is leading me.

The two magnetic forces that are attracting my “like crazy” are all things nature-related and writing.

But this also makes me wonder if everyone has the same pestering feeling. You watch all these people trying out for American Idol who enter the auditions completely convinced that they have what it takes to entertain the entire country and then they’re complete flops. Is this inkling a complete lie then? Are these people just completely crazy? Am I then crazy?

On the other hand, I’ve read about moguls of different niches that felt that strong push as well. Perhaps it’s just how in-tune we are to our real talents, not talents we convince ourselves we have, that determines whether we succeed or fail.